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Which was almost never。
〃I guess that's the trouble I'm going to have； you know； with picking a major？ I won't be able to
decide between English and drama。〃 She smiled and pulled her short skirt demurely over her
knees。
Since when is the cities biggest party girl worried about her major？
〃Elementary； my dear。 That's why they invented the double major！〃 Mr。 Parris snapped his
suspenders； obviously delighted with the opportunity to divulge his vast wisdom to a young girl of
such extraordinary beauty and intelligence。
All of a sudden Blair burst into the room； dressed a little too sexily for an academic gathering and
wearing the Yale pendant her mother had ordered from Cartier for baby Yale。 Serena had never
seen her best friend look so bizarre。
〃Thank God I found you！〃 Blair babbled breathlessly。 She glanced at Mr。 Parris。 〃Sorry for
interrupting； sir； but this is an emergency！〃
Serena could always tell when Blair was up to something or was just plain freaking out； because
her nostrils flared like a wild animal and she forgot to blink。 Right now she looked like a squirrel
with rabies。 Serena stood up and shook Mr。 Paris's hand。 〃It was truly a pleasure talking to you； Mr。
Paris。〃
Mr。 Parris bent down and kissed her hand。 〃The pleasure is entirely mine。〃
Blair coughed。 Of course Serena had pletely enchanted the old man； which was totally unfair
because Blair was the one who actually needed to enchant him； 〃This really is an emergency；〃 she
blurted impatiently。
Not exactly enchanting。
〃Okay； I'm ing；〃 Serena murmured。 She looped her arm through Blair's and Blair dragged her t
o the front hall and pushed the button for the elevator。 〃Where are we going anyway？〃 Serena
demanded as the elevator doors rolled open。
〃The Plaza！〃 Blair squealed； dragging her inside。
And it'd probably safe to say they weren't going to discuss Shakespeare once they got there。
AND YOU THOUGHT ANDY WARHOL WAS DEAD
Vanessa and Beverly walked up an enclosed ramp that led into the warehouse space in
Williamsburg where Beverly's friends' party was taking place。 Vanessa could hear music ing
from inside… something airy and rhythmic that might have been Bjork； although she wasn't sure。 A
woman pushed open the black metal door at the top of the ramp and stomped past wearing a
yellow bandana in her hair； black knee socks； and fluorescent yellow clogs。 She looked like she'd
been crying； and was cradling her left hand against her chest。
〃Hey； Bethene；〃 Beverly called to her as she stomped away。
〃What are those？〃 Vanessa peered into a bucket of what she hoped were very well produced
stuffed animals； sitting on the floor halfway up the ramp。
〃Kittens；〃 Beverly replied； as if no further explanation was required。
The ramp seemed to be fashioned as a sort of display； and was scattered with random art objects。
Besides the bucket of kittens was a life sized wax figure of Santa Claus carrying a huge
see…through plastic sack full of naked Barbie dolls with their heads missing。 At Santa's face was a
lava lamp with real…looking eyeballs floating around inside it。 The ramp was like a haunted house
only more disturbing。
Slightly？
〃Everyone here is an artist；〃 Beverly declared； 〃and they've been doing this party since March。〃
Vanessa nodded； even though she wasn't exactly sure what he meant by 〃doing this party。〃 It
sounded a little like the art 〃happenings〃 at Andy Warhol's factory back in the 1960's… lots of cool
arty people collaborating to make weird art that no one really understood and that wasn't even
very good。
When they reached the top of the ramp； Beverly pushed the door open and they stepped inside。
The space was a giant warehouse； cool and dark； except the glow from four giant lava lamps like
they'd seen on the way in。 No one greeted them； and Vanessa was surprised to find only about
thirty people there。 They sat cross…legged on the floor in little clusters； finger…painting on the
pages of encyclopedias and looking pletely spaced out； like they hadn't slept since the party
started back in March。 No one was drinking anything or eating anything or even talking。 It was
sort of like an anti…party party。
Vanessa watched as a women wearing a fuzzy red bathrobe and red rubber rain boots chopped off
a handful of her long dark hair and dropped it into a huge pot sitting on a hotplate on the floor。 A
tall； pale skinny guy wearing only a black fedora hat and black boxer shorts went up to the pot and
stired it with a wooden yardstick。
〃Bruce；〃 Beverly greeted the guy with a nod。 〃This is Vanessa。 She makes films。〃
Bruce nodded and kept on nodding for longer than normal as he stirred the pot。 Vanessa wished
desperately that she had her video camera with her。 She'd never seen anything quite like this。
〃Are you here to make a donation？〃 Bruce asked。
Vanessa wasn't sure who he was talking to。 In fact； for the first time in her life； she felt pletely
lost。 Every party she'd ever been to had been predictable to the point of being hopelessly boring。
She smiled tentatively at Beverly。 It was sort of nice to be surprised。
The music suddenly shifted to the soundtrack for 'Shrek 2' and Vanessa felt more lost than ever。
She took a step forward and peered into Bruce's pot。 〃What is that anyway？〃
Bruce held up his left hand and wiggled his fingers。 The top joint on the middle finger of his left
hand was missing； just like Beverly's。
〃I'm working on a regeneration project；〃 Bruce said； as if that explained everything。
Beverly held up his left hand and spread his fingers out like a fan。 No； Vanessa wasn't going
insane。 His middle finger really was missing its top。 〃Most of us have contributed。 But there's no
pressure or anything。〃
Well； isn't that a relief？
Vanessa wasn't easily creeped out； but she was getting close。 〃And what do you do with the。。。 parts
and stuff。。。 in the pot。。。 after they're like； cooked or whatever？〃
Bruce grinned and his blue veins stood out on his pale neck。 He looked like he hadn't eaten in
months。 〃It's not about the doing； it's about the stirring；〃 he responded。
Beverly nodded in that same odd； prolonged way that Bruce had nodded before。 〃Vanessa's got a
great space；〃 he volunteered； apropos of nothing。 〃I'm thinking of crashing there for awhile。 It'd be
great for something like this；〃 he added still nodding。
All of a sudden Vanessa realized that looking for roommates on the internet probably wasn't such a
great idea。 Beverly had seemed interesting at first； she'd almost rather live with Dan； despite all his
failings； or one of her spoiled； vain； fashion…obsessed classmates than e home to boiling
fingers who knew what else on her stove。 It was one thing to make art that people thought was
shocking and bizarre without actually trying to be shocking and bizarre。 Beverly and his friends
were in college… hadn't they learned anything？
〃Are you thirsty？〃 Beverly asked her。 〃Do you want some water？〃
Vanessa realized that was just the nicest thing he'd said to her all night。 She couldn't believe she'd
been worried about the configuration of her moles； or that she'd actually worn perfume for him。
She yawned and glanced around the enormous space。 〃I'm not sure how much of this I can take；〃
she responded； mimicking what Beverly had said about Dan's singing in the club。 〃I'm going
home。〃
Beverly bit his lip。 〃But this is working。 I mean… so far； right？〃 he asked。
〃Actually； it's not。〃 Vanessa imitated the sweet； fake smile her classmate Blair Waldorf flashed；
telepathically telling the teacher to eat shit and die when she was trying to get excused from class
early to attend a Manolo Blahnik sale。
〃Sure you don't want to make a donation？〃 Bruce asked still stirring the pot。
Vanessa unclipped her lip ring and tossed it in。 〃Good luck with that；〃 she told them； turning to go。
Beverly and Bruce began to nod。
As far as we know； they're still nodding。
WHAT GIRLS REALLY DO BEHIND CLOSED HOTEL SUITE DOORS
〃Remember when we were in fifth grade and we used to practice kissing with pillows？〃 Se